Sorry to myself

Almost 8 years ago (8... time goes by so quickly) a friend of mine (friend, classmate, I don't even know what was our relationship) died. Since then, I promised myself that I would help everyone around me. I would try to notice when they are feeling bad, sad, having problems, and help them in any way so that I can make their life a bit easier... or at least make them smile and forget about their problems for 5 minutes. I really think that that's my purpose in this life. It's not that I'm good at it, cause I can't really give good advices (although one I gave some months ago it really helped the person), but I can't see anyone near me suffering. That's why I'm so goofy and so stupid, cause I need to make someone smile.

Of course, this doesn't work every time. Sometimes, the other person doesn't want to be "saved". It happened to me a couple of years ago with one of my best friends, she just didn't want any kind of help I (we) could offer her, and she flew away. It's really frustrating when you see that you can't do anything for someone, that you are just dying to give love, time, energy... but they refuse it. And it's even worse when I realize that I put so much effort in helping the others to feel fine, that no one can "save" me. I see so clearly (many times) when someone needs company, but no one realizes when I need it. I'm not talking about materialistic needs, but just a shoulder, someone to talk to, someone who really cares how was your day. I can't try to make someone laugh when i'm the one getting hurt. And that's when I can't stop listening to "Sorry to myself". Today's post has the video for the song and also the lyrics, because no one could express better how I feel than alanis v_v (And sorry about the long post)




For hearing all my doubts so selectively and
For continuing my numbing love endlessly.
For helping you and myself: not even considering
For beating myself up and over functioning.

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueller than I've been to me.

For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable
For myself love being so embarrassingly conditional.
And for denying myself to somehow make us compatible
And for trying to fit a rectangle into a ball.

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueller than I've been to me.

I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.

For blaming myself for your unhappiness
And for my impatience when I was perfect where I was.
Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready,
And expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be.

To whom do I owe the first apology?
No one's been crueller than I've been to me.

I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.

Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest ?
Forgetting you or forgetting myself...
Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter,
I would've naturally loved the former.

For ignoring you: my highest voices.
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious.
For being so disassociated from my body,
And for not letting go when it would've been the kindest thing.

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueler than I've been to me.